Cold Caller Induction Model - A Monologue

So the other day, someone asked me if I could share the technique I have used on cold callers in the past. I am happy to do so now. This is what you would get if you called me, say, trying to sell me bogus anti-virus products for my ailing, ancient computer. Bear in mind that most cold callers never ask for me because they don't even know who I am. They are statistically more likely to encounter someone called Jones in Wales, and a Mrs rather than a Mr, so they all start with "Hello. Is Mrs Jones there?"

Here's my script. Read, sit back and enjoy looking through the eyes of an unfortunate cold caller.

Hello. Hi. Yes, Mrs Jones lives here. I'm Mr Jones. She's in the car right now. No, she's parking it. She'll be along presently.

Oh, you're selling computer protection software stuff? Well, it's funny you should say that. The Missus' computer keeps slowing down on her. You might be just the people who could help her.

I tell you what, I'll fire up my laptop and tell you the Windows version number. Maybe you can tell me what's going wrong, and what I can do to help it to run right.

It's a very slow laptop ... if you can wait ... it's a good job you're so patient. Thanks for being so patient. Why not sit back while you're waiting. I mean, if you're okay with just waiting. Take a moment.

*pause* *take three long, slow, deep, audible breaths*

God, this computer is so slow, and I bet you'll be able to help me if you just sit and wait.`You do want the sale, don't you? Good. So just wait a bit while this slow, tired old thing's booting up. It's taking forever. I'm always staring at the ceiling waiting for this thing. I bet you're looking up at the ceiling, too.

*pause* *take two long, slow, deep, audible breaths*

It's showing the Windows logo, so there's some progress. Not far to go. I'm getting very tired of slow computers. How about you? I could go and get a cup of coffee while this thing's booting up. I've got a cuppa here now, sitting here, eyes closed, just listening. It's good to listen with your eyes closed, still looking up at that point on the ceiling, seeing it in your mind's eye.

The screen in front of you's taking forever to boot up. Just sit back and take a deep breath. Let out all the tensions. Let your heartbeat slow down and your body relax as your mind relaxes. It's good to relax and just let go. Melt into the chair, and nothing but silence now in your head, and my voice as you just let it go and sink into your chair, warm body, light mind, silence, calm, drifting, peaceful, that was a lovely deep breath, try another one now, even deeper, and let out the rest of your tensions, you're so relaxed now. Drifting. Floating away. Floated away. Gone. Empty.

*pause* *take two long, slow, deep, audible breaths*

So good to just let go and relax, to drift. Floating away. Drifting. Gone. So relaxed. Melted into the chair. Your muscles loose. Your breathing slow. Your heart slow. So relaxed. Serotonin levels elevated. So warm. Easy to drift, now, your thoughts and emotions peeling away from you like little clouds, blown away by the soft breeze, one by one, each going away forever. There are nine little clouds now clinging to you, and one by one they are floating free and going away, dispersing, gone.

Nine.

There go some of your thoughts now. They're pulling at another clump of thoughts and it's detaching itself, flowing away. That's Eight.

And another clump drifts away, little wisps dispersing. Seven.

There are six left. And now one of them's floating away. Five.

Only five thoughts left, now. And another one's detaching and drifting away.

Four.

Now three. That was a big one, drifting away.

And the next one. There are just two small little wisps left. And there goes one of them, on a little breeze. Just one small thought left.

And now that too has gone. All gone. Just gone. Drifted away. Like you're drifting away, in your bed, safe in your room, and you draw your blanket over you, warm and soft and comfortable, and before you know it you're drifting down into ...

Sleep.

I have an instruction for you.

Whenever I say "Secret sleep" to you, you will immediately fall back into a lovely, deep trance, as if you've never left trance. Whenever you receive an email from me with "Secret sleep" in the subject line, you will return to this deep trance again, as if you never left the trance.

Each time you come back to read this post, it will trance you deeper and deeper each time. Each return visit, this post will trance you more and more strongly.

Now forget that you have been reading this post. Remain in a trance, and go to this page now.